The Lap Pillow

This is the saddest, loneliest thing we've ever seen. Just how bad does it have to get for you to crave human contact this badly? It's even creepier that the laps are disembodied. We can just imagine the commercial. "Do you want the warmth of a woman's lap without actually having to talk to a woman? Try lap pillow!" Speaking of advertising, we love that the men in this photo are wearing suits. It's almost as if you could use these pillows outside of the sad, secret shame of your one-bedroom apartment.

Eyes for Your Eyes

These are stickers for sleeping at work. On the bright side, your boss won't think you're asleep. On the other hand, he may think that you're a dangerous sociopath. Could you imagine walking by this guy's desk? "John? John?!" If John's not careful, he's going to wake up to a security detail at his desk. Or an EMT. These belong firmly in the bad idea box. Unless you're going to use them at home. That'll teach them to wake you up in the morning.

Noodly

We'll give you a minute to guess what this is before we tell you. No, it's not a splash guard. It's for holding your hair back when you eat noodles. We love this because everyone's done this at one point in their lives. You think about a problem for a while. And then you come up with a perfect, brilliant solution. So you run to tell you're friend but he's just like "Dude, why wouldn't you just put your hair in a ponytail to keep it out of the noodles?" And you're like "oh..." But it's too late because this is already a thing.

It's for Your Mouth!

No, this is not a photo from a ransom note. It's a mouth exerciser. It's for those pesky wrinkles around your mouth. You just cram it in your gob and fight the urge to panic. And then you squeeze on the tube to tighten your...mouth muscles. Try not to think about the fact that you look like a blow-up doll. Laughing with this in your mouth can be dangerous. And you do not want to have to explain yourself to the EMTs.

There Are Dozens of Us

We didn't know there were never-nudes in Japan. This is great news. No one should have to resort to jorts in the shower. These blue jean underpants promise to chafe like the real thing. You don't even have to butcher your favorite pair of jeans. Has any one told Dr. Funke about this? We think he'll be excited. We're going to wear ours while watching Arrested Development re-runs.

This Seems Drastic

It's universally human. When we're bored at work, we put our chins on our fists. This device will make sure you never do that again. If you forget, you'll get a few friendly spikes to the face. That seems reasonable. We're actually thinking of giving this to our employees. We'll definitely make them mandatory. They'll never doze off during our meetings again. And anyone who does will wear facial scars of shame.

OK...

What's in this vending machine? We'll give you a hint: they're for sniffing. That' right, used women's underwear! We knew that used women's underwear was a thing. We didn't know that it was this much of a thing. This means that large numbers of men find themselves out and about but unable to go on without getting their hands on a pair of underwear. Just think about that for a minute. Welcome to the Internet: Destroying Your Innocence One Image at A Time.